The Rowboat Incident
by fatcatbeatrice
Summary: Sweden, England, and China are hanging out. Sweden drinks a potion he shouldn't. The situation quickly escalates and madness and hilarity ensues. Based off of an RP. Starring, England, China and Sweden, featuring Germany and 'Russia'. Crack.


AN: late night rps are the best.

Coming back from the kitchen with more snacks, China was just in time to witness an event that had the potential the lead to one of the greatest catastrophes in the history of the world.

Perhaps I should start at the beginning.

As you may or may not know, Sweden, China, and England often hang out together. This was, at least this time, aided in part by the fact that they were all on the same team in World War 3*. This time, they were all at England's place, drinking a few beers or 'ale' as England called it.

Now Sweden is normally a quiet and reserved nation. But having drunk a few beers, and being in the presence of long-time friends he was a bit looser and more… gregarious, for lack of a better word. So, China had headed into the kitchen to get more snacks (of his own creation, not England's of course) and England was getting more beer when Sweden, a bit reckless after a few drinks, noticed a bottle. The labeling on it was in a strange language, but he figured it was harmless since it had been left out. Besides, it looked really good.

So, down the hatch it was!

Bad idea Sweden.

Baaaaaaaaaaad idea.

Returning, England saw an empty bottle, gulped nervously and tried to sound calm.

"Um, did you drink that Sweden?"

"I may or may not have drunk whatever was inside, depending on its effect…" Sweden pointed to a different bottle than the one England was referring to, the one he had drunk as opposed to another random empty bottle

"Don't worry, that wasn't the one I was worried about." England still sounded hesitant

At this point China walked back in, or more accurately peered in having heard the entire conversation from the kitchen. He decided to stay quiet and not interrupt.

"Although I'm not entirely sure you wanted to drink that..." England stated nervously

"Um… That's… unfortunate?" Sweden chuckled quietly

A long silence ensued.

"England? What was in the bottle?" Most of the levity was gone form Sweden's voice

"Heh heh…" England laughed nervously

"I don't like that laughter."

"Would look at the time? It's getting late."

England broke and run

Sweden chased England.

China continued to watch with mild interest.

As the chase across the front yard ensued, Sweden began threatening England, which China could hear through the open window, which he also used to watch the pair.

"I'LL- I'll mess up your laboratory!"

"I'll knock over your cauldron! Or Something!"

"I'll drink all your tea!"

"Don't make me get out the schnapps."

"I'LL TIE YOU TO THE RUTTING MAYPOLE."

At this point China was considering interfering, but his phone rang, so he simply answered it and continued to half pay attention to them.

"I'll tell you in a moment! Just let me consult my magic book first." England cried

Finally stopping the chase, Sweden stared at him a long moment.

"IT'S CALLED A GRIMOIRE. AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A WIZARD." Sweden had learned quite a bit form Norway after all.

Ignoring him, England started to speak: "In theory, the potion you drank is harmless."

"In theory? What are the possible side effects?" Sweden was skeptical

"There's quite a few..." England started

"…LIST THEM."

"Hysteria, hallucinations, depression, anxiety, and more, but those are the main ones." England was quiet for a long moment, then heaved a sigh "Also, some have been known to develop a, er, rather France-like attitude." After another stretch of silence, "Or act as if they were drunk."

"…"

China walked in to join them in the living room, finally returning from his conversation with German which had gone something like this:

"Hello?"

"China, I have something important to tell you." Germany's voice was solemn and grave

"Yes?" China frowned

"You must promise to be very secretive about it."

"Okay…."

"And tell no one."

"That's generally what secretive means." China said patiently

"You must understand; this may concern the fate of the world."

"Yes, what is it?"

"It is of utmost importance."

"I got that."

"Anyone but you and I and a few others knowing about it could be catastrophic."

"All right."

"It may be the single most important thing anyone ever tells you."

"Will you just spit it out already?" China was exasperated

"It can't be rushed! I have to think how to perfectly phrase it."

"OK, whenever you're ready." China sighed. Things were starting to look bad with Sweden and England

A moment later came the reply China was waiting for. Well, it wasn't what he expected, but it was a reply.

"YOU LIKE GERMAN SPARKLE PARTY? I LIKE GERMAN SPARKLE PARTY, SPARKLE PARTY!"

When Germany was finished with his little song line, China spoke.

"Germany you're drunk aren't you? Germany?"

Silence.

China hung up.

Anyway, back to the present.

Quickly taking stock of the present situation, China offered his opinion.

"You know, doing something would probably be good."

"JUST MAYBE." Sweden responded

"WHERE'S MY RUTTING BATTLE AXE? CHINA, WHERE'D YOU HIDE IT?"

"I'll give it to you as soon as I find my wok." How clever of China

And it all went downhill from there.

"OH LOOK, A BOTTLE LEFT LYING AROUND. I THINK I'LL DRINK IT."

"WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD POSSIBLY 'APPEN?" Well, perhaps the worst had _already _happened. Sweden was looking progressively loopier, what with the erratic limbs, crossed eyes and insane grin.

Sweden chugged the bottle of… some sort of beer, hopefully.

"It would probably be best for my health if I go into hiding now..." England actually had a pretty valid reason to be so afraid.

"HEY LOOK A FLYING SHEEP. HEY LLLOOK IT'S ENGLAND! HI ENGLAND." Sweden was rambling to himself, and England, I guess, but England wasn't ignoring him because he and China were currently going into emergency mode.

"I know the antidote is around here somewhere…" England was already starting to look frantically

"WHY IN SUCH A HURY?" Sweden

"I'll hold him until then…" China said resolutely "Look quickly!"

"C"MERE. HAVE A DRINK!" Sweden again

"I will!" England, to China

"WHERE'D YA GO?" Sweden seemed to be looking for England

Changing his expression from serious to light-hearted, China turned to Sweden.

"I DON'T NEED AN ANTIDOTE."

"Of course you don't," China laughed "Just relax and look at the nice panda." China pulled a panda out of nowhere

"NO. IT FRIGHTENS ME." Sweden was indignant

Biting back tears and anger, China breathed in and out to retain control

"THIS IS THE BEST I'VE FEELT IN YEARZ."

"That's nice, but maybe you should sit down and rest so you'll keep feeling so good." China encouraged gently

Sweden reluctantly flopped down onto the ground

"BUT I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT THE PANDA."

"OK, how about the troll?" China scribbled a drawing of a troll onto a piece of paper and held it up for Sweden

Sweden glanced at the troll, and then another bright idea crossed his mind.

"YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A DRINK." AT the same moment, England scurried over excitedly

"I'VE GOT IT!"

"LOOK! TASTY TREATS AND TEA BAGS!" Sweden exclaimed, already distracted

"You know something Sweden?" China's voice was friendly and happy "We could both use a drink!"

"Come and drink this with me!"

Perhaps Sweden was more lucid then he looked, because he then jumped out the window.

"Ah, crap." China

He and England hurried out the window to find Sweden on his hands and knees, grinning to the ground, any sign of lucidity gone.

"THE GROUND IS SMILING AT ME!" He was thrilled with this new discovery

"Oh no…" England muttered. Then, louder "Sweden! I've got this nice drink for you!"

"I'M GUNNA GO FIND MY FRIENDS!"

"That's it, I'm getting my wok." China muttered

"THE ONES WHO DUN'T SHOVE PANDAS IN MY FACE!" Sweden, continuing his earlier exclamation

"COME ON AND DRINK THIS WITH ME!" China brandished the antidote

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Sweden began to run away

China and England leaped epicly out the window and followed him

The chase lasted to the 'lake', where grabbed the vessel docked there and began to hurry away.

"Oh no you don't! That's my pirate ship!" England was enraged

"No, it's my Viking ship!" Sweden was rowing quickly away

China, on the other hand, was neither enraged nor rowing. He was incredulous.

"…That's a rowboat."

"…In a pond."

"My boss confiscated my pirate ship for 'safety reasons." England turned momentarily to China

"Ah."

Then Sweden drew the pair of them back to the situation at hand.

"ENGLAND YOU'RE THE WORST PIRATE EVER!" Sweden shouted this as he exited the rowboat at the other side of the pond "BYE BYE!" He called

"OH THAT'S IT BLOODY WANK! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DRANK, YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

"Aiyah…"

And so the chase continued.

Racing after Sweden, China threatened, "I'm going to call in Russia soon! None of us wants that!"

"DOES HE HAVE VODKA?" Sweden sped up after this, seeing the gun England had armed himself with, also exclaiming "THAT'S VIOLENT!"

"Yes, his vodka is excellent." China chose to ignore England

"THEN I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM!"

"We'll see about that." China muttered

Still running, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny Russia doll. Muttering some strange incantation, he threw the doll into the air, where it transformed into a ghost-like version of Russia, who quickly slipped England a bottle of vodka to lace with the antidote.

Easily catching up to Sweden, the phantom creepily said "Hello, little Sweden, you want some vodka, da? It is the best vodka for miles around!"

Sweden took little note of this, and stole a river boat. 'Russia' followed him.

"Don't be running away now little Sweden!**"**

Right about at this time, China and England joined Russia and Sweden on the riverboat. 'Russia' then disappeared, at China's command.

England really couldn't care less about 'Russia's' disappearance, he wanted his revenge.

How?

Simple.

Rugby tackle Sweden.

So he did.

"WHO SAYS I'M THE WORST PIRATE EVER?!"

"Sweden, you want some of Russia's vodka, right?" China coaxed

"I do!"

China handed him the bottle of vodka laced with the antidote, only to have him smash it over England's head.

And jump into the river.

"Aiyah…"

He exchanged a glance with England.

They jumped in after Sweden.

Thrashing about in the water, England tried to force the antidote down Sweden's throat, but failed as Sweden eloquently cried, "DOOO NOOOT WAAANT!"

Finally reaching the end of his rope, China began to hit Sweden with his wok.

Again and again and again.

"OW STOP IT!"

China continued to hit him with his wok.

"YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN TO ME!"

Sweden pulled his battle axe out of nowhere and sung at China!

China blocked it with his wok, crying "YOU'RE A THOUSAND YEARS TOO YOUNG TO CHGALLENGE ME!"

An epic battle ensued!

England was unimpressed!

Not really, but his comment was something along the lines of, "You'll knock him out soon, China. Not that I'm complaining."

"LOOK CHINA SOMONE'S HURTING A PANDA!"

"I don't listen to drunk or insane people." China managed to pull Sweden out of the water at England's urging, Sweden's head was hurting enough to the point where he couldn't really stop China.

England pinned Sweden down, in attempt to hold him still enough to force the antidote.  
In retaliation, Sweden cried, "TROLL POWERZ ACTIVATE!"

In his new, powerful form, he easily overpowered England. It was up to China.

China decided to hit him with a wok.

Again and again and again.

As the epic battle resumed, Sweden continued to insult China, with phrases such as: 'NUUUUU YOUR HAIR IS STUPID!' 'AND YOUR FOOD SMELLZ FUNNY!' 'AND PANDAS ARE STUPID!' 'AND YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL!'

To which China would always respond with deep breath and a calm response of: "I don't listen to the petty insults of drunken idiots."

England finally got tired of watching and being useless so he decided to say, "SWEDEN! If you sit down quietly, you can have some Russian vodka."

"FINE. GRUMPY BEAR." Sweden flopped down crossing his arms and pouting

"Here's the vodka." England handed him a bottle of vodka.

Laced with the antidote, of course.

Sweden chugged it.

China watched in suspense.

"YAY! VODK-"Sweden cut off as he realized something

"FU-" He'd swallowed the antidote

Coming to his senses, he said, "Let us never speak of this again.

"...EVER."

"Agreed."

"Agreed."

And that, my friends, is the Rowboat Incident. And if it hadn't been for the daring and cunning of England and China... … And 'Russia', I suppose it could have turned out a whole lot worse.

So the moral of the story is: Never let Sweden drink any potion.

Ever.

EVER.

AN: Never let me do this again. That was like, I had a puzzle, and all the pieces were in kinda the right place, but I didn't know what the picture I was making looked like.

*Reference to this: s/8951055/1/World-War-Three (take out the spaces)

I are so good with similes.

Time: TOO LONG.

Pages: A bit more than eight in MS word.

Words: 2,118 w/out AN.


End file.
